Workplace friendships

Paul Hargreaves at Cotswold Fayre and Flourish argues that good workplace friendships are the secret to good leadership and a happy and fulfilled life

 

In his book The Four Loves C.S. Lewis talks of four different Greek words for love: affectionate love, usually for a child or a pet (storge), erotic love (eros), compassionate love (agape) and friendship love (philia). Often deep friendships form due to an initial common interest or by aiming to achieve a common purpose, and there are few places where this is truer than the workplace.

 

Friendship is good for us

Each person is different and there are introverts and extroverts, but our psychology is such that our wellbeing increases when we spend quality time with others and decreases when we don’t have enough of that time.

 

So, having friends is good for us, contributing to our own thriving and flourishing, but, as a leader, should these friendships be within your workplace or outside it?  

 

I would say both create a healthy balance.  

 

Friends outside the workplace allow us to switch-off and not think about work, but it is also natural to form friendships with those we spend 35 (or more) hours a week with. 

 

Can a leader be a friend?

There was a time (in the scheme of things, not that long ago) when we lived in smaller closer communities. We worked, lived and socialised within a small area, both geographically and in terms of the number of people around us. 

 

But increased mobility, due to improved transport led to some degradation of local community. These days, for many people, particularly for city dwellers, there is little community to tap into, except for the workplace. The office/shop/warehouse etc. is often the primary community outside the family, and unsurprisingly, bonds of friendship form where people spend much of their time, whether that be virtually or in a physical workspace.

 

It is only natural that business leaders form friendships within the workplace too. 

 

According to the Urban Dictionary, Friendship is when you love someone with every ounce of your being and genuinely want them to be happy even if it means sacrificing something yourself to make them happy.  Just imagine if a company was full of relationships like that, full of people whose purpose was to ensure the happiness of others.  We would have very different workplaces and many more successful businesses.  

 

However, remember C.S. Lewis. We are talking about friendship love - philia. Not eros, the sexual relationship, which should be a complete no-go area, certainly when it involves leaders and their subordinates.

 

Friendship brings success

There is lots of good data to suggest that the businesses with the happiest people are the most productive and most profitable.  Have a look at the Sunday Times Best Places to Work lists and notice how many are also amongst the most successful businesses in the UK. 

 

So even if your only motive is more profit, then a director or leader being a loving self-sacrificial friend to others in the business might make good business sense. Although if that were your only motivation you would come across as not being authentic and you would be wasting your time.

 

What about a leader being a close friend to some of those in a non-leadership position in the company?  There are some who advise against this, but I believe there is a place for this.  A good leader will always be looking at where the next leaders in a business or organisation are coming from, and I think being a friend (and mentor) to them is a great thing to do. 

 

Outside of work good friends will challenge each other when they have a different point of view and hold each other to account if they are not doing what they have promised to do.  How is that different to a positive accountable relationship in the workplace? 

 

Being real

People trust real people and I strongly believe that leaders sharing their vulnerabilities with their team makes them a better leader and more able to be trusted by their team.  For too long leaders have not behaved like normal humans with real emotions and if people know leaders are people just like them—with fears, emotions and concerns—more trust is cultivated.

 

There may be times when it is right to hold information back within the business, even from your friends there, but generally openness and transparency makes for a better, more positive company culture than when decisions are made in darkened rooms. Creating a culture of friendship within a business, modelled by the leaders, makes for a stronger organisation.  

 

Here are five tips, based on my own experience, to help you develop good friendships: 

1. Reflect on your friendships. Are they nourishing you? Are you nourishing them? Count how many good friendships you have and write down their names and be thankful for those people. Perhaps give them a call or send them a card to let them know how much you value them. 
2. If you feel you do not have enough of these relationships, think of who you could approach for a glass of wine or a coffee to build a closer relationship.  Don’t be afraid to look for new friendships within your workplace. 
3. Ask yourself whether there are any relationships that aren’t nourishing you and that you need to withdraw from. 
4. Don’t expect to form close friendships with everyone in your workplace. You aren’t looking to be besties with everyone in the office, rather you are aiming to develop a mutual friendship of both support and respect. 
5. Ask how you can be a better friend to others. Do you go the extra mile when there is a friend in need?  Do you want the best for your friends even when you may have to sacrifice something as a result? 

Cultivate good friendships from among your work colleagues and outside your workplace.  These friendships will make you a better leader and a more fulfilled, happy person.  

 

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Paul Hargreaves is a speaker, author, CEO and B Corp Ambassador who strongly believes that businesses should be a Force for Good. He argues that, to bring the radical change required to reverse climate change and growing inequality, a new type of compassionate leadership is required, what he calls The Fourth Bottom Line, the title of his latest book. Paul’s is CEO of Cotswold Fayre, the speciality food and drink wholesale business

 

Main image courtesy of iStockPhoto.com and Drazen Zigic